A little bit about where I am.

I have climbed every bookshelf
In search of hardcover proof
And if I am judged by the things that I've loved
I hope some of them are true
---I will walk through the fire
I will not be afraid
They can take everything that I have
But they can’t give me my name---
"Do whatever fulfills you
Make the most of each day"
That’s what we’re taught since before we could walk
But it all will fade away
My Name- The Classic Crime

I have been posting alot about searching and seeking the Lord about certain areas of my life, but I have been rather vague as to what has actually been going on. I have before me a choice of epic proportions. The world won't end or anything like that, it's just the fact that my heart has been divided for sometime between my two options at work. I will try to catch you up as quickly as possible to my current situation.

Many of you have known my desire to serve in the area of Law Enforcement since I was just a kid. When I got a little older I put it out of my head after a failed attempt to get on with the PD of Lubbock Texas due to a couple of things in the interview process, the main one being a horrible credit score. I was in my early twenties and still had a lot of living to do before the Lord called me to Pineville Louisiana, and I started work in the ministry here in the Youth department. I realized the dream was still alive when I started seeing what I could do to get on the police force, and eventually made it into the dispatch office. I tried and failed to get on the actual force here in Pineville. I made it my main goal to fully realize my dream which had been dormant for some time and let my desire for that eclipse my calling into youth ministry. The ministry suffered, my relationship with the young people suffered. It suffered to the point that I have been at times uncertain if they WANT me to repair it. I have always tried to be the leader that God called me to be. I let the youth group down more times than I care to admit. I have my insecurities and in the area of leadership and they are many. I have apologized to the youth so many times that I feel they are only anticipating the next time I let them down, and not the healing process. I am not telling you these things due to a search for a catharsis or an epic reveal, I am only searching for the Lords will.

The plan was to occupy the dispatch seat for a season and then to go on to police officer, but I have seen my time in the dispatch seat wasted. It could have been used in many good ways in rebuilding relationships with the youth, but instead I selfishly used it to pursue my dream. My leadership faltered and failed and the youth group definitely does not deserve that. They deserve the best leader. They deserve nothing but the best, I have told a few of them this, but not all. I have seen a couple of prime examples of the person you have to be to be able to police. I have spoken many times about my comfort with the duality of my being, but I am uncertain as to the impact one side would have on the other. The Police Academy itself would be taxing and trying, and then to move into the 24 constant that is the life of an actual Police Officer. I pride myself in being able to accomplish much, but this may be out of the realm of reality. My heart and desire to please wants to prove to everyone that I CAN do it. But honestly, I think I would also be facing tremendous failure. Another option would be to stay in the dispatch seat and throw myself into youth ministry. This option has been looking more and more feasible, but would I be happy with this decision in 20 years? Once again, I honestly have no idea.

This is where I am. I am leaning in one direction, and am heavily praying that the Lord make his way entirely clear to me.  This is an honest blog. I must reiterate that I am not asking you to give me some trite answer or a good Christian pat on the back, I just covet your prayers. I need the strength to deny myself and honor the Lord.

James 1:2-8

Faith and Wisdom

 ² My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, ³ because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience.⁴ Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need. ⁵ But if any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it. He is generous to everyone and will give you wisdom without criticizing you. ⁶ But when you ask God, you must believe and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown up and down by the wind.^7-8 Such doubters are thinking two different things at the same time, and they cannot decide about anything they do. They should not think they will receive anything from the Lord.