1. Always have a smart alec answer. For bad guys and authority figures alike. But have the muscle to back it up. No one likes a skinny wise acre.
2. If you are going to use your own personal vehicle for police business, make sure it is this one...
It's a 1950 Mercury complete with a big red switch that says "Nitrous" on it. It also has 5 Point Racing Harnesses as it's primary safety device, other than Sly of course.
3. If a crazy cult ever breaks out in your hometown to usher in the Age of The New World Order by killing the weak so that the strong survive, you will probably only need 1Colt Gold Cup National Match in 9mm caliber pistol (special order with a cobra on the handle), a Jatimatic SMG in 9mm and 3 MK2 Hand Grenades. This should adequately stem the tide of any cultish uprisings in your fair city.
4. It's okay to damage large parts of your city that may APPEAR to be uninhabited at any given time. The patrons of your city will simply overlook the fact that their block was "exploded" and their property destroyed due to the fact that you saved the life of a beautiful model.
5. If you are ever in a ridiculous car chase through aforementioned neighborhoods, make sure that you perform the maneuver where you whip your car around and proceed to drive backwards down a busy streetway that you use the weapons at your disposal (mentioned above) and aim at the radiator of the vehicle that is pursuing you, shooting at this with the Jatimatic SMG in 9mm will almost surely cause the offending vehicle to flip forward end over end. One would assume that this is due to special rounds in the gun, but since we aren't told that any special ammo was used we are led to believe that this was done with regular 9mm bullets.
6. Be on the "Zombie Squad" if at all possible. The police department will call you if there is a "hard case" that needs to be ended. Or if there is a "desease", they will call on you since you most certainly are "The Cure." It helps to have a "little" attitude problem.
7. Have a cool name like Cobretti so that they will call you "Cobra" or "The Cobra" for short. **Note: This does not work with a name like Cowley, or Buttafouco. In these cases the nicknames that entail are disasterous. Butt or Cow are not great names of movies or great nicknames.
8. If the main leader of the cult shoots at you with a sawed off shotgun that would be otherwise useless at more then 7 feet whilst in a car chase, make sure he misses, he will be using special ammunition that will cause whatever it hits to explode. Usually when he shoots at you there will be a large tanker of some sort to absorb the shots and explosions so that you and your cargo and your 1950 Mercury will not sustain a single scratch. (Those 5 Point Racing Harnesses really come in handy at this point as well)
9. When the climax of the battle happens, the cult members will usually all arrive on an assortment of motorcycles having followed you due to the mole in your small group. (This is usually that lady or guy that you don't like, and you should take them out quickly, or else they will be a pretty bad thorn in your side.) Once the cult members arrive, feel free to start shooting them freely. With your Colt at first, and do so without taking the bother and waste of time to aim, two or three shots in the general direction of a bad guy will assure his demise. Once you have beaten the bulk of them, lead the remainder on a chase untill you clear out the rest of their numbers on the road. At this point you will have to face off with the leader in some kind of Iron Forging facility. There will be several large hooks and chains floating about the place that look suitable for piercing and supporting the weight of a large fully grown man. These will come in handy, as you will have to dispatch of the leader in exactly such a manner. Lightly banter with him until you are ready to pull the trigger, then, just before you do, SURPRISE, that mole we talked about earlier jumps on you. (Don't you wish you had taken care of her/him back when you first suspected something was wrong?) This is okay tho, because they should make a great human shield when the cult leader shoots his remaining shotgun blast at you. (Now just using regular shotgun shells, no explosions) Fight and dispatch of the leader in the manner mentioned above, grab girl and walk out of Iron Forge facility slightly battered and bruised but more intact that any of the opposing 30-40 cult members.
10. This is perhaps the most important part. Since your car should be totalled by now, and the truck you arrived at the climax of the movie sufficiently destroyed, you should pick the least damaged motorcycle to ride home on. There should be at least one lying around with virtually no damage. At this point, the pacifistic antagonist in your department will shoot his mouth off one last time at you, in a more "subtle" way. It is absolutely okay to punch him, as long as you shake his hands and say "No hard feelings, pal." Then you can drive off on your confiscated (pretty undamaged) motorcycle without signing the first piece of paperwork. Feel free to leave with the key witness and don't wear a helmet, either of you. Helmets are for bad guys.
As a last thought, definitely NOT an after thought, always keep two things, large face covering mirror coating style shades, and a "Strike Anywhere" style match in your mouth, this helps add to your cool and mysterious demeanor, plus the match comes in handy when a bad guy with a rifle equipped with a scope clumsily misses you from mere feet away and underneath you, hits a gasoline barrel and covers his own body in gasoline. At this point, utter some quick form of the Miranda Rights, ("You have the right to remain silent.") and light the match on the slide of your Colt. Use the shades to watch what happens when you drop the match on the gas covered baddie without irritating your eyes.
1 comment:
you forgot to mention, keep your gun cleaning kit in an egg carton in your freezer. this is incase you are being robbed they wont know where you hide it.
always cut your pizza with scissors.
and newspapers are only purchased to get the coals going on your charcoal grill. most people assume charcoal grills should use charcoal... but thats why you have a subscription to the newspaper.
it is also customary to rip the wifebeater off of your neighbor if he parks a little in your spot. its okay, after ripping his wifebeater off, he and his friends will regularily wash your car.
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